sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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