So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
