went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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