I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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