My underwear smells like fireworks.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
