sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
