waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
