now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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