i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
