There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
