he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
