She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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