Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
