I met the friendliest cop last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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