You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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