Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
