I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
