1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
