the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
