Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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