Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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