When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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