Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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