I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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