the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
