I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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