Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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