CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
