you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
