he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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