you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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