Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
