he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
