Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
