No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
