Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize