Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You ruined the universe
Randomize
