whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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