btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
