One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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