Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
