just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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