go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
