I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
