I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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