Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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