Are we in a gay sports bar?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
