Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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