Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
