drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
