Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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