my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
