the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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