Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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