Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
