when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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