Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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