I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
